A Short Work on His Conversion – Hermann the Jew

In the name of the Lord begins the little work of Brother Hermann, of good memory, formerly a Jew, about his conversion.

Chapter I: Of the vision which he saw while still a child

Therefore I, the sinner and unworthy priest Hermann, formerly called Judas, of the race of Israel, of the tribe of Levi, of father David and mother Sepphora, born in the metropolis of Cologne, while I was still held in the bonds of Jewish infidelity, God showed me by a most pleasant premonition of this kind of vision that the benefits of his grace would come to me. In the thirteenth |71| year of my age, I saw in a dream that the Roman emperor Henry, who was the predecessor of the glorious king Luther at that time, had a certain powerful prince, who, having died suddenly, had all his powers. And so, as it seemed, the same king, coming to me, presented me with a horse of snow-white whiteness and wonderfully stoutness, and a girdle of gold woven with the greatest labor, with a silken pouch hanging in it, in which seven very heavy coins were enclosed. When all these were handed over to me, he said, “I know that my leaders and princes are greatly indignant at the benefit I have bestowed on you; However, I will add much greater things to you than these, and I will give you the entire inheritance of this deceased prince to possess forever by right. Then, repaying the royal munificence due, I girded myself with that noble belt and mounted the royal horse and, tied to his side, I followed him all the way to his palace. Where, as he was splendidly feasting with his friends, I sat down next to him as if he were his closest friend and ate from the same plate with him a vegetable made from many kinds of herbs and roots. Therefore, waking up in the joy of this vision, although I was a boy, I did not judge with childish levity that the things I had seen so unusual were empty, but thinking that their omen meant something great for me, I went to a certain relative of mine named Isaac, a man of great authority among the Jews at that time, and I related the dream to him in order, so that he might interpret it for me in the way he knew. He who is wise, gave me a certain according to the flesh |72| He dictated a conjecture of happiness, saying that the large and white horse signified that I would be given a noble and beautiful wife, the coins enclosed in the purse that I would have great riches, and the banquet celebrated with the emperor that I would be most honorable among the Jews. But much later, divine grace filled this vision with spiritual benefits, as the interpretation of the same vision will later show and prove the effect of the thing itself. Now, however, I will explain in order what the occasion of my conversion was, which I have received.

Chapter II: On what first occasion he joined the Christians and how much his association with them prospered

In the seventh year after this, I arrived at Mainz to trade with various merchants. For all Jews serve trade. At that time the glorious King Luthor was there, having with him the venerable and wise man Ekebert, the bishop of the church of Monasterio. When the king detained him there, busy with the affairs of the kingdom, and he had stayed longer than he had intended, he ran out of money in sistarcs and was forced to borrow money from me. However, I did not receive any bail from him, which the custom of the Jews required, considering the trust of such a man a valuable pledge. When I recognized this, my parents and friends reprimanded me with rather harsh |73| invective, calling me too negligent, because I had presumed to lend money to anyone, especially to a man who was frequently engaged in many occupations, without bail, when, according to the custom of the Jews, which is very well known to me, I should have demanded a pledge of twice the value. Therefore, it was their plan that, having conferred me with the aforementioned prelate, I should adhere to him for so long until I received the entire debt from him. But fearing that, as it turned out, I would be turned away from emulating the paternal tradition by their instincts, remaining with Christians, they hired a certain great Jew named Baruch for a fee and entrusted me to his skillful care of teaching. Therefore, agreeing to the advice of my parents and friends, I went to the Monastery, which city is the seat of that episcopate; where, having found the bishop, I paid back my debt, saying that I would not dare to visit my parents again until I had received it. He, having no means of repaying it at present, detained me with him for about twenty weeks. During which time, when that good shepherd often, as was his custom, administered the food of the word of God to the sheep entrusted to him, I, enticed by the curiosity of the young men, mixed myself with their flock of sheep, indeed with reckless presumption, since I was still worthy to be counted among the eaters rather than among the sheep due to the stench of error. There, therefore, I heard a learned scribe in the kingdom of heaven bringing forth from his treasury new and old things, and referring the old testament to the new, and approving the new from the old with sufficient reason. He also taught that some of the legal commandments, such as: You shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; honor your father and mother, were to be held to the surface of the letter alone; but some, such as: You shall not plow with an ox and an ass together; and you shall not boil a calf in its mother’s milk, asserting that they were superfluous as far as the letter was concerned, he nevertheless transferred them to allegorical meanings with the most beautiful reason, using such an example in this discretion, namely, that the Jews, as certain brute beasts, content with these letters alone as straw, Christians, as men using reason, might be refreshed by spiritual intelligence as with the sweetest straw marrow. But I listened to the bishop declaiming these and similar things to the people with all the more eagerness and delight, as I often retained by heart the things he mentioned from the histories of the ancient instrument, having read them in Hebrew manuscripts.Knowing also that animals that do not chew the cud are counted among the unclean by the law, whatever I had heard from his preaching, I often passed on to the belly of my memory to chew with me, but to the Christians, who watched me attentively listening with great astonishment to what was being said, and who asked me whether the episcopal discourse had pleased me, I answered partly less, partly more. But they, congratulating me on my curiosity and at the same time pitying my error with pious affection, most devoutly exhorted me to join Catholic unity, affirming that their Jesus is most merciful and does not turn away anyone who comes to him, as he himself testifies in his Gospel, saying, Him who comes to me I will not cast out. To commend also the generosity of this grace, they presented to me the example of their apostle Paul, in whose honor a minor basilica of the same city was built and dedicated |75|, saying at first that he was a Pharisee and such an emissary of the law that, having received authority from the chief priests, he persecuted the faithful of Christ with insatiable cruelty; But in the midst of this attempt at crime he was struck down to the ground by a stroke of heavenly light, and having received from above the interdicts of Christ to be cruel, he was miraculously changed by the mercy of God from Saul to Paul, from wolf to sheep, from persecutor to preacher. With these and similar speeches, as if by certain, if I may say so, incantations, the Christians, soothing me, greatly incited me to cast off the burdensome yoke of the Mosaic law and to receive the sweetness of Christ. And so, as time went on, and from their frequent conversations, I became more eager to explore the ecclesiastical sacraments more diligently, I entered the basilica, not so much devout as curious, which I had previously abhorred as a kind of shrine. There, examining everything more diligently, among the artificial varieties of decorations and paintings, I saw a certain monstrous idol. For I see one and the same man humiliated and exalted, despised and exalted, ignominious and glorious, hanging miserably on the cross below, and above, sitting most beautifully in the lying picture, as if deified. I confess that I was astonished, suspecting that such effigies were simulacra, which the Gentiles, deceived by various errors, were accustomed to dictate to themselves. That this was indeed so, the Pharisaic doctrine had once easily convinced me. Moreover, that pedagogue of mine, whom I mentioned above, cunningly investigating what I was doing, when he so often caught me frequenting Christian meetings and treading on the thresholds of churches, harshly rebuked me as if I were his prisoner, declaring that he would illegally convey all the absurdities of my curiosity to the ears of my parents. But I, as if deaf, did not hear his threats and rebukes, and every day I was free from all business, living under the care of the bishop. I also often entered the schools of the clergy, and received books from them, in which he diligently considered the properties of each element and assiduously investigated the words,I suddenly began, to the great amazement of my listeners, to combine letters with syllables and syllables with words without any teacher, and thus in a short time I acquired the knowledge of reading scriptures. Lest perhaps this seem incredible to anyone, let this not be attributed to me but to God, to whom nothing is impossible.

Chapter III: On the discussion held with Robert, Abbot of Tuyet

At that time there was staying at the monastery of Tuiti, an abbot named Robert, a man of subtle genius, eloquent in speech and very skilled in both divine and human literature. I saw him in a conflict of disputation. Who, according to the apostle, ready to give an account of faith and hope to everyone who asks him about that which is in Christ, having accepted the opportunity of the place and time, promised to satisfy me, with God’s help, both by reason and by the authority of the Scriptures, of all that I would ask. Then I began to speak to him thus: “You Christians do great harm to the Jews, who spit on them as if they were dead dogs, execrating and abhorring them, when you read that God had chosen them from ancient times from all the nations of the world as a special people for himself, whom he alone considered worthy of the knowledge of his holy name, whom alone he deigned not only to enjoin by proclamation, but also to write with his own hand on tablets of stone the most perfect rule of his justice, by observing which they would live and become holy, as he himself is holy. Only, I say, for this is testified by that scripture which is daily chewed on by your mouth, saying: He who declares his word to Jacob, his righteousness and judgments to Israel; he has not done so to any nation, and has not made known his judgments to them. But you, blinded by excessive envy of the divine benefits towards us, hate them more than all mortals, whom you recognize as more honorable to God and beloved by all men. But be it so. For we patiently and with equanimity endure the reproaches and mockery of men, provided we faithfully persevere in the law of God and his ceremonies. For it is better for us to fall into the hands of men than to forsake the law of our God. For which is more to be feared |78|, to suffer the wrath of man or of God, to be spat upon by men or to be cursed by God? Now in the divine law it is written thus: Cursed is everyone who does not abide in all things which are written in this book. In which words, just as our justice, which is from the law, is defended with insurmountable authority against all your oblations, so also your pride, by which you vainly boast of observing the law, and impiously derogate us, who hold it in the simple observance as we received it from our fathers, is clearly convicted. For while it is universally said: Cursed is he who does not abide in all that is written in this volume, nothing is distinguished, nothing is excepted. But you do not read, as you say, the makers, but plainly judge it, which is ridiculous to say, you correct according to your own will, and indeed you accept some, but you reject the rest either as superstitious, or as mystical and to be taken in a way other than what was said, perverted by the fabrications of fools and old men, which please everyone. It is a plainly foolish rashness and a completely derisory madness to want to correct men, which God has instituted and commanded to be observed by men under a terrible curse. To which curse are you Christians liable, who, while you presume to be judges of the law, are also convicted of transgressions.For in the meantime, one of many things, which suffices to add to your condemnation, may be brought forward: why do you, who boast of your observance of the law, oppose the same idols|79|three times with manifest impiety? For behold, as I have seen with my own eyes, you set up for yourselves in your temples great images, both painted and sculpted, elaborately wrought with art, to be adored; and would that you would worship any other thing, but not the likeness of the crucified man, to add to your destruction. For since according to the authority of the law everyone who hangs on a tree is cursed, how much more are you cursed who worship one who hangs on a tree? Likewise, if, as another scripture testifies, everyone who trusts in man and makes flesh his arm is cursed, how much more will you be subject to the sentence of curse, who also hope in the crucified one? Since you not only do not conceal the madness of your superstition, but also, which is a greater crime, glorying in it, you preach your sin like Sodom, choose one of the two, which pleases you: either, namely, claim for me the authority of this abominable culture of yours, if you happen to know it; or certainly, what follows, if you cannot do that, or rather plainly because you cannot, shamefully confess this error that is damnable and completely contrary to the sacred law.

Chapter IV: Response

To this Robert said: “In all things,” he said, “which you have seemed to me to have opposed to me in any way, I am not at all deterred. For indeed, to defend and confirm the truth of our religion |80| we have an abundance of authorities from your own books, by which, like an impregnable shield, we can safely meet and oppose the weapons of your objections to the community everywhere. Hence, I will now show you, with clear reason, that our idolatry, which you speak of, is most full of piety and religion and visible in the light of all truth, if you will patiently pay attention. Therefore, we abhor and execrate in every way the crime of idolatry that you are trying to impose on us; we faithfully embrace the worship of the one and true God. Nor, as you slander, do we worship the image of the Crucified or any other thing as a deity, but we represent with pious devotion the passion of Christ, which is to be adored by us through the form of the cross, by which, in order to deliver us from the curse of the law, He Himself became a curse for us on the cross, so that while we imagine His death outwardly through the likeness of the cross, we ourselves also are inflamed inwardly with His love, and we who remember that He, completely free from all sin, endured such an ignominious death for us without ceasing, let us always weigh with pious thought how much we, wrapped in many and great sins, should suffer for His love. These are the general reasons for our images, which you see. But they are specially invented for the sake of simple and ignorant images, so that those who cannot recognize the passion of their Redeemer by reading books may be able to see the very price of their redemption by the cross. Therefore, what the manuscripts represent to us, this the rude common people represent to images. But lest here |81| the rite of our religion seem to be built up from human reason alone, let it also be supported by the authority of the Old Testament. For ancient history tells us something very similar to this. For when the children of Israel had once been brought into the land of promise, the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh, returning to the land of their lot, when they had reached the banks of the Jordan, built there an altar of immense size. Now the Lord had commanded in the law that the children of Israel should have one altar in common for the celebration of the rite of sacrifices in the place which he had chosen to invoke the power of his majesty. Which place was then held sacred in Shiloh. When therefore this deed of the Reubenites and Gadites became known to the children of Israel, they were gravely moved against them as transgressors of the law, and took up arms to punish them for this enormity of audacity. However, using provident counsel, they refrained in the meantime from shedding their brotherly blood, until, having sent to them individually from each tribe, they, by their investigation, recognized the occasion of such a daring. When they had come, they rebuked them for presuming to build an altar contrary to the law, to the scandal and ruin of all Israel, and received this answer from them: The Lord God Almighty himself knows that if we have built this altar with a mind of prevarication, may He not keep us safe.but let him punish in the present, and if we have done so with that mind, that we should impose burnt offerings and sacrifices and peace offerings on him, let him himself complain and judge, and not with that more thought and discussion, as if we should say: Tomorrow your children will say to our children: What have you to do with the God of Israel? The Lord has set the river Jordan as a boundary between us and you, O children of Reuben and children of Gad, and therefore you have no part in the Lord, and by this occasion your children will turn our children away from the fear of the Lord. So we thought it better and said: Let us build ourselves an altar, not for burnt offerings or for offering sacrifices, but for a testimony between us and you, and between our offspring and your descendants, that we serve the Lord. Just as then they built an altar, not to offer victims and burnt offerings on it, but to show by such a testimony that they and their posterity belong to the lot of the people of God, so we also, for a similar reason, have the cross of Christ hanging on it with great reverence, indeed, for its sake, to which, however, we do not at all pay the worship of divinity; But as the altar was for them, so the cross is made for us as a testimony, so that while we consider that the price of our redemption was hung on it, we may rejoice through it to belong to the company of the saints and the eternal inheritance of the heavenly Jerusalem.« – Thus, therefore, Robert, meeting all my objections with both the most beautiful reasons and the most powerful authorities of the Scriptures, drove them away like a certain gloomy darkness of night with the most clear rays of his answers. But wretched I, like a deaf asp that stops its ears and does not perceive the words of his most sweet incantation with the ears of my heart, and with my eyes, which had been covered by the darkness of Jewish blindness, I could not behold the light of truth. But since it is too long, it is enough to recount the whole series of our discussion, and to touch on it in part here. Now let us carry out the task of describing history that we have undertaken.so that, considering that the price of our redemption was paid for in it, we may rejoice that through it we belong to the company of the saints and the eternal inheritance of the heavenly Jerusalem.« – Thus, therefore, Robert, meeting all my objections with both the most beautiful reasons and the most powerful authorities of the Scriptures, drove them away like a certain gloomy darkness of night with the most clear rays of his answers. But wretched I, like a deaf asp that stops its ears and does not perceive the words of his most sweet incantation with the ears of my heart, and with my eyes, which the darkness of Jewish blindness had covered, I could not behold the light of truth. But since it is too long, let us not recount the whole series of this our discussion, and let it suffice to touch on it in part here. Now let us carry out the task of describing history that we have undertaken.so that, considering that the price of our redemption was paid for in it, we may rejoice that through it we belong to the company of the saints and the eternal inheritance of the heavenly Jerusalem.« – Thus, therefore, Robert, meeting all my objections with both the most beautiful reasons and the most powerful authorities of the Scriptures, drove them away like a certain gloomy darkness of night with the most clear rays of his answers. But wretched I, like a deaf asp that stops its ears and does not perceive the words of his most sweet incantation with the ears of my heart, and with my eyes, which the darkness of Jewish blindness had covered, I could not behold the light of truth. But since it is too long, let us not recount the whole series of this our discussion, and let it suffice to touch on it in part here. Now let us carry out the task of describing history that we have undertaken.

Chapter V: That the charity and faith of a certain man greatly inspired him to the faith of Christ

At this point a certain thing occurs to me, which I also consider worthy of inserting here, both because by its sweetness it gave me a great incentive to conversion, and also because it can provide readers with an example of perfect charity and faith that is not falsely excellent and worthy of imitation. The seven-time bishop Ekebert had a certain steward of his household named Richmar, a man, as I have sufficiently proven, very religious in all his conduct. One day, between meals, the bishop assigned to him half a meal and a portion of roasted esoca by his steward, as is the custom of lords. But he, as he was a man filled with the greatest feeling of piety, set down before me, for I was sitting next to him, with the greatest eagerness of charity, what had been sent to him, with the greatest eagerness of charity, and he himself remained content with only bread and water according to his customary religion. At which thing I was not only congratulated, but also greatly amazed, that a man, |84| whom I thought to be completely ignorant and without God, could have such a power of charity, especially towards me, whom in a similar way, as an enemy of his own sect, he could detest rather than love, namely the just censure of the ancient law which says: You shall love your friend and hate your enemy. But he himself, as a truly evangelical disciple of the law, which says: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, knew how to do good not only to those of his own household of faith, but also to all men. Hence he diligently showed me the benefits of his love, unworthy of me, and by constant flattering conversations he labored to pull me away from my paternal error and to win me to Christ. For he knew, as the apostle James says, that whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and cover the multitude of his sins. But when he saw that he could not soften the adamant hardness of my heart to truly obey the faith by these arts of piety, thinking that of me, which the apostle attests in a certain place, when he says, that the Jews seek signs, he most steadfastly proposed to me this condition, that if, as is customary, he waved a burning iron with his bare hand in the argument of his faith, I should feel no burning, I would faithfully undergo the remedy of holy baptism, having cleansed my heart of all unbelief; but if his hand should receive a trace of the burning, it would again be up to me what to do, what I would choose, but he would not advise me further on this matter. Therefore, having accepted this most steadfast proposition of his with a grateful heart, he is now, as it were, rendered most assured of my conversion, and hastily seeking the prelate, he prays that he may deign to exorcise the iron to celebrate this spectacle of faith. But because the time for having mercy on me has not yet come, he, contrary to hope, did not obtain the effect of this pious petition of his. Indeed, the bishop, although he admired and praised his great steadfastness of faith, nevertheless, weighing this request of his with the balance of his higher discretion, that it was not so much pious as inordinate, rebuked him with a modest response, saying,that he indeed has the zeal of God in this matter, but not according to knowledge; that by such examinations God is by no means to be tempted, but rather to be entreated, that He, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth, when and in what way He wills, by His most merciful piety, may deign to untie the knots of unbelief and to make a disciple of truth out of a master of error. But for the sake of this matter, he says, you should neither ask for nor greatly desire any sign from God, since it is certainly very easy for His omnipotence to convert whom He wills without any miracle by the visitation of His hidden grace alone, and a sign which is visibly shown without is useless, if He Himself does not work invisibly in the heart of man by grace. And for we read that many were converted without signs, but innumerable remained unbelievers even after miracles were seen. It is to be known, he says, moreover, that faith, which is not by miracles |86| He is persuaded that he has no or the least merit, but that which is undertaken without any incitement of miracles, with simple piety and pious simplicity, is of the most excellent merit and supreme praise before God, as is witnessed by the author of faith himself, our Lord, who in his gospel rebuked the ruler of unbelief, saying, Unless ye see signs and wonders, believe not. And he so exalted the faith of the centurion, by which he believed before he saw the sign, nay, by which rather he deserved to receive the sign, in the proclamation of his praise, that he said that he had not found such faith even in Israel. Hence it is also that after the resurrection, by indirectly mentioning his unbelief to Thomas, by which he could not believe unless he had felt the scars of his wounds, he commended the faith of those whom he foresaw would believe in him by hearing his preaching alone. Thus the excellent doctor dissolved the agreement of our agreement, for the effect of which we were held by equal eagerness on both sides, not by prohibiting it with his episcopal authority, but by dissuading it by the manifest truth of his reasons. So that those who read this little work with pious intention may derive from its reading no little benefit, and may imitate in the bishop the great discretion, and in his dispensation the admirable example of faith and especially perfect charity, so that, just as he did not execrate me as if I were a sinner and unworthy of Christian fellowship, but rather most devoutly shared with me the works of charity and piety as if I were his fellow Christian, so also with a similar zeal of piety they may not, as some are wont to do, spit on or abhor the Jews or any man of error, but that as true Christians, that is, imitators of Christ praying for his crucifiers, they may kindly extend to them the bosom of brotherly charity. For since, as the Savior himself says, salvation is from the Jews, and his apostle Paul also testifies that through their sin salvation is for the Gentiles, it is a completely worthy and pleasing change for Christians to strive, as far as they can, for their salvation.from whom they themselves have deserved to receive Jesus Christ, the author of eternal salvation. But if they are commanded to extend their love even to those from whom they endure evil, how much more do they owe it to those through whom the general good comes? Let them therefore confirm their charity towards them, as much as they are able, by sharing their necessities and by being to them the form of the whole of piety, so that they may win by example those whom they cannot with words. For truly, as some say, a man is taught better by example than by word. Let them also pour out earnest and supplicating prayers for them to the Father of mercies, if perhaps, as the apostle says, God will give them repentance to know the truth, and they may recover from the snares of the devil, by whom they are held captive to his will. But having said these things in a digression, not in vain, as I hope, or uselessly, let us now return to executing, in order, what we have undertaken.

Chapter VI: How, coming with Bishop Ekebert to the cloister of Cape Town, he was moved by the conversation of the brothers

While I was still clinging to the venerable bishop in the expectation of receiving his debt, and was frequently visiting the various places of his episcopate with him, it happened that I came with him at a certain time to the monastery of Capenberg. Now this place, built on the summit of a mountain, had once been a place of great fame throughout Westphalia. The counts of which, Godfrey and Otto the German, of magnificent and royal nobility, still blooming in the rosy bloom of their prime, affluent in wealth and the pleasures of all secular pomp, inflamed by the fire of divine love, whatever delights they had or could have in this world, left the castle itself with their most sufficient estates of their patrimony, offering to God in the simplicity of their hearts for the sake of happiness, and changed that monastery into a clerical monastery holding the rule of blessed Augustine. But knowing that the perfect, not only abandon their own, but also themselves, they themselves, the most fervent followers of evangelical perfection, denied themselves along with all their own, and having assumed the same habit of perfection, they most meekly submitted their necks to the yoke of another’s control, thus striving to precede all the brothers in the humility of total abjection, just as they had preceded them in secular dignity. At that time, as I began to say, coming to this society of the faithful of Christ, gathered from men of various conditions and diverse nations, I saw the prophecy of Isaiah about the times of Christ spiritually fulfilled, which, to protect my error, I thought would be fulfilled carnally in the coming of Christ. The calf, he says, the lion and the sheep will feed together, and a little child will threaten them. By which prophecy the Jews defend their perfidy, so that because they do not see what was foretold fulfilled carnally, they still distrust the coming of Him whose coming had been foretold. But when the wise and the ignorant, the strong and the weak, the noble and the ignoble were fed there indifferently with the food of the divine word, what else but a calf, a lion, and sheep were fed together? Whom even a little boy threatened, because, namely, their spiritual father, though small in malice, but perfect in sense, governed them in the stead of Christ. Therefore, seeing the religious conduct of these companions and monks, the ignominious, as I felt, the balding by shaving or tonsure, the many kinds of abjection of the way of life, the mortification of the flesh, the continuation of prayers and vigils, I, wretched and pitiful, considered them all the more unhappy, insofar as I thought that they endured this labor without the fruit of reward in vain hope. For just as, for example, if I were to see a man running swiftly, but on an unknown path, I would judge him to be the more miserable in proportion as I perceived him to be running more rapidly than he was on the path, so too, I would consider those who run bravely, through various exercises of labor, but without, as I thought, the observance of the law, to be more miserable, and I would rather pity them than detest them.as those who would both afflict themselves in vain labor in this life and after this life would not only find no consolation for their affliction with God the Judge, but would also most certainly receive eternal condemnation from Him as unbelievers and unfaithful. Therefore, inwardly sympathizing with them as with the wretched, I, rather truly wretched, with human affection, and drawing deep sighs from my heart, began to argue within myself for these very questions as if against God: What is the abyss of your judgments, O Lord, so great and so unsearchable, that you would turn away these most devoted servants of yours, seeking you with all their hearts, from your commandments, and hide from them the way of your truth, by which they may be saved, who, having despised all the pleasures of the world, have chosen to follow you alone, to love you, and have confidently cast all their care upon you, for whose love they endure the martyrdom of so many constant labors, heavier even than death itself? It is not yours, who judge the world in equity, whose universal way is mercy and truth, it is not yours, I say, to turn away those who serve you, to abhor those who love you, to hide yourself from those who seek you, to know you. For yours is the voice that says: I love those who love me, and those who watch for me early |91| will find me. You also spoke that voice full of mercy through the mouth of the prophet: I do not desire the death of a sinner, but rather that he should be converted and live. Therefore, showing that you desire the life of sinners, you invite them to conversion, which is entirely worthy of you, whose mercy is without number, and is in keeping with your goodness, that you also, by your most gracious mercy, should turn to these brothers who have already been converted to you through strict penance, as you deigned to promise elsewhere through the prophet: Convert to me, and I will be converted to you. According to the word of your promise, you once accepted the three-day penance of the Ninevites, and now, by sparing them, you mercifully turned away the sword of your vengeance that was threatening them, clearly showing by such an example how much more you desire the repentance and salvation of sinners with paternal affection. For you, O Lord, are sweet and gentle and full of mercy to all who call upon you. And if you do this to all, how much more to these your servants who do not practice three-day penance, like that Ninevites of old, but continuous penance, and who for your love despise not only the world and the things that are in the world, but also, which is much more difficult for them, themselves in all humility and abjection. So while I was grieving over these things, and for those cloisters, if it is permissible to say so, contending with God in judgment, a great scruple arose in my heart about the contradictory and different laws of the Jews and Christians. For because I saw it best suited to God, whose nature is goodness, whose judgment is mercy, that He should truly, according to the voice of the psalm, show His servants the way of truth, who mortify themselves all day long for Him, I began to waver within myself and think,lest perhaps the Christians should run along the path of God’s commandments while the Jews were wandering, if, he said, the observance of the legal rites still pleased him, he would not have so graciously deprived the Jews who observed them of their help as to scatter them far and wide, proscribed from all good and country, throughout all the nations of the earth. On the other hand, if he had execrated the sect of the Christian religion, he would not have suffered them to spread and strengthen so widely throughout the world. Therefore, placed in this dilemma, I was uncertain as to which way to turn, in which way to trust most, because I was completely ignorant of what their outcome would be. While, therefore, thus enduring in my heart the greatest conflicts of conflicting thoughts, I remembered what I had heard some time ago about the conversion of blessed Paul from both clerical and lay Christians, namely how, by the wonderful clemency of God, he was called to the Catholic faith and made a preacher and defender of the church, which he had previously persecuted with tyrannical cruelty, and soon turned to God in complete contrition. I tearfully implored him that if he himself were the author of the Christian religion, he would reveal this to me either by a secret inspiration or by a vision in a dream or certainly, what I thought most effective, by some visible sign, and that he who drew the apostle Paul to the fold of his church, even when he was proudly rebellious under his own provocation, would lead me to it, obedient to his most humble precepts. But God, who is just and pious, always hearer of petition, indeed delayed this desire of mine for a long time, but did not take it away; which he deigned not only to fulfill, but also to accumulate with greater gifts of his grace, as the outcome of things will prove.But God, justly and piously ever the hearer of petition, indeed delayed this desire of mine for a long time, but did not take it away; which afterwards He deigned not only to fulfill, but also to accumulate with greater gifts of His grace, as the outcome of things will prove.But God, justly and piously ever the hearer of petition, indeed delayed this desire of mine for a long time, but did not take it away; which afterwards He deigned not only to fulfill, but also to accumulate with greater gifts of His grace, as the outcome of things will prove.

Chapter VII: How the Jew, who had been sent as his guardian, accused him when he returned to his parents

After this Easter festival, having restored to me my debt from the bishop, I returned to Cologne, the metropolis where I was staying, together with that Jewish rival of mine. He, as he had threatened me some time ago, greatly weakened the affection of my parents and friends towards me by his accusations, asserting that I had adhered to Christianity with such zeal and familiarity against what was lawful, that I could no longer be considered a Jew, but a Christian, unless I had only falsely professed my paternal religion by my dress. But the Lord God of vengeance soon brought him a fitting vengeance for this malicious accusation, for according to the prophetic word he crushed him with a double contrition. For immediately, seized with a severe fever, he died within a fortnight and passed unhappily from temporal punishments to the eternal torments of hell. Thus the just judge in one |94| And by the same act he showed mercy and truth: truth indeed by repaying him the punishments due for his merits, but mercy by freeing me from his snares and accusations.

Chapter VIII: How he afflicted himself with a three-day fast for his enlightenment

But I, trusting all the more in the mercy of God, inasmuch as I had experienced it in this vengeance of my accuser, began again, as before, to implore Him with frequent prayers, that He would deign to reveal to me the way of truth, as He did to the holy Daniel of old in a vision of the night, the mysteries of his dreams. Following the example of the same Daniel, I dedicated a three-day fast to God for the attainment of this most ardent desire of mine. Knowing, however, that Jews and Christians do not observe the same rule of fasting, since Christians abstain from eating meat on fasting days at the ninth hour, while Jews continue to eat meat until evening and use whatever it is lawful to eat, not knowing which of these would please God more, I decided to observe both indifferently. Therefore, according to the Christian rite, I abstained from meat, but according to the Jewish custom, I continued my fast until evening, contenting myself with a little bread and water. Due to the excessive avidity of my desire, I gave myself up to sleep earlier than usual, hoping that divine consolation would come to me in the order in which I had asked. But in vain. For indeed, due to my demanding sins, that night passed in vain. Hence, although I was greatly grieved, I did not at all burst into impatience, but rather, from the very delay, with my increasing desire, considering the parsimony of the previous day as unworthy of the attainment of so great a thing, I resolved to taste nothing at all that day. Also, going to bed early, as before, I sought the help of divine visitation with ineffable desire. But in the same way, that night, passing in vain, brought with it its own darkness, but left me, unhappy, enveloped in the horrible darkness of unbelief. But not even so, not even so distrustful of God’s consolation, I began to pour out tearful prayers before the eyes of his compassion, that he would deign to grant me, suspended in such avid expectation, the fulfillment of my wish. Moreover, having been exhausted by excessive hunger, for it was summer days, when my whole body was already failing and I could not postpone my vow of abstinence until the evening, an intolerable weakness of the flesh forced me to take a little water about noon. And so the third night approached, on which the highest expectation of my visitation depended. But even that night passed without effect. But in the morning, waking up and seeing the dark night illuminated by the red sun, I groaned gravely and grieved beyond words or belief, that I had not deserved to be illuminated by such an example from the true sun of justice, Christ. But the Jews, seeing me suffer so much against my usual abstinence, suspected that I had committed some criminal crime among the Christians, and at the same time the accusation of the aforementioned Jew provided them with the foment of such a denotation. This suspicion, when they learned of it, became the cause of another disturbance for me, |96| and thus the accumulation of pain increased in my heart. For I, who had always lived acceptably and without complaint among the Jews, could not bear this infamy among them without shame. However, considering,Because the merciful God, when he often disposes to give great things to men, first tests their perseverance in prayer and exercises patience by delay. Having regained the constancy of mind in this pusillanimity, I began again to knock unceasingly at the door of divine goodness with tears and prayers, in order to obtain the effect of my desire, saying to Him with the prophet: Show me Your ways, O Lord, and teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth.

Chapter IX: That instead of investigating Catholic truth, he spent time in disputation with clerics

Once again, therefore, while I was thinking by what studies I should attain to the knowledge of the truth, it seemed to me that, seeking ecclesiastical men and the most expert in the Old Testament, I should have a discussion with them about the religion of Christians and Jews, which was contrary to them, and if they could show me the authority of their sect from the manifest testimonies of the law and the prophets and probably affirm that this alone, as they said, was open to the heavenly kingdom, I, yielding to reason, would consult for my own salvation and willingly embrace the truth approved to me by setting aside the paternal tradition that I emulated. Therefore, daily, occasionally and inopportunely, I did not cease to pester the religious doctors of the church, and especially, as I said, those trained in the Old Testament, and to strike them with my questions. Which |97| they, seeing that I was not driven by the intention of meeting with contention, but by the desire to know the truth, labored to separate me from the Synagogue of Satan by their disputations and admonitions and to incorporate me into the bosom of the holy church. And when they brought me many testimonies from the law and the prophets concerning the coming of Christ, I, relying most obstinately on the letter alone, either maintained that these things concerning Christ had not been foretold, or, if I could not deny these things, I perverted them by some sinister interpretation, or certainly, if I could not conclude either clearly by reason, I cunningly led them by deviousness to another question to be solved for me. For because I was considered by my own people to be a scribe learned in the law, I was confounded or deceived by the assertions of Christians, which they despise as old fables, wretchedly not considering that this confusion, by which I was confounded about my own error, was pleasing to God and that it brought me not disgrace but glory. Thus, therefore, by the desire for vain glory, as it were, with a kind of bolt, I myself shut off the access to the truth, so that I could not believe, according to what the Lord says in the Gospel of the Jews: How can you believe, you who receive glory from one another, and do not seek the glory that comes from God alone? But although, in disputing with the clerics, I seemed to be repelled by their verbose assertions, I nevertheless regarded with gratitude whatever they had proven to me by open reason and manifest authority, and I most carefully hid in my chest the most beautiful allegories they produced from the Old Testament.

Chapter X: How he was forced to marry a wife against his will and purpose, and was bound by her love to his former error

But the devil, who still held me entangled in the bonds of unbelief, seeing me daily hastening to church and eagerly listening to the word of God, by which I was fortified against all the snares of his tyranny, and being overcome by a heavy envy over these my advances, attacks me with the weapons of his deceit. For he who first gave my parent a taste of death through a woman, and who reserved for the most holy Job a wife alone of all the good, not for consolation, but for subversion, himself has joined a woman to my ruin in marriage. For a certain Jew named Alexander, whose virgin daughter I had betrothed, came to me and began to press me much, by warning, exhorting, and begging me to set a day for the wedding. But I, still uncertain whether to persevere in Judaism or to turn to Christianity, and foreseeing that, being bound to my wife, it would be more necessary to take care of domestic affairs than to spend time in daily discussions, as I was accustomed to, I thought that in the meantime I might be able to postpone the marriage if I had any opportunity, until, by God’s mercy, I should deserve to know by some certain evidence what I should do most for the salvation of my soul. Therefore, after deliberate counsel within myself, I replied, indeed, that I would accept his advice, as if descending from charity to my grateful heart, which I could not at present obey, because I had previously decided to go to France for the sake of study. But he, since he often tried to bend my mind to his assent, and saw that he was making no real progress, after prayers and flattery he turned to threats and terrors, like a scorpion striking with its tail. For it was caused by a forced council of Jews, that I was so corrupted by the pestilential conversations of Christians, that I could not be inclined to consent to marriage, neither by the pious advice of parents or friends, nor, what is more serious, by legal authority. When I was asked by the Jews whether this was so, I replied that I did not refuse marriage in any way, but wished to postpone it for the time being, claiming the same reason for my delay to them as I did to my father-in-law. They, hearing that I wished to go to France, and suspecting that I did not simply prefer this opportunity, as I did not, all unanimously opposed me with a unanimous consent, saying that this was a sign of apostasy, nor that I had set out for this purpose, as I said, but rather that I was driven by a love of Christian superstition. And what is much? Having finally learned the constancy of my mind in their purpose, they propose that I choose one of two things, namely, that either, having removed all occasion, I should acquiesce by joining in marriage according to the laws, or, if something else pleased me, I should be done outside their Synagogue. Lest anyone perhaps think this is a trivial matter among them, let him know that among the Jews this is done outside the Synagogue, which among Christians |100| is eliminated from the church by excommunication. But because, as Scripture says, where there is no fence, possession is plundered,Unhappy as I was, I was not surrounded by the divine protection of my own unbelief, and I lost all my former devotion to the pursuit of the way of truth, which the devil had plundered. For at the first threat of the Jews I was completely overwhelmed with immense fear, as if, having been excluded from their Synagogue, no further way of remedy were open to me. And even if there were any way of salvation outside the Synagogue, yet since I neither knew him nor, as I had proved, was able to arrive at a perfect investigation of him by any efforts, I thought it would be safer for me to persevere to the end in that tradition which I had, in a way, sucked from my mother’s breasts, than to aspire unwisely to some new religion, convinced of me by no signs or arguments of reason, especially since even through an unavoidable, perhaps erring ignorance I could easily obtain indulgence from a pious judge. But in this most insane thought I was so lost and my foolish heart was darkened that, putting aside all my former intention and neglecting the most ardent desire with which I had previously burned for the pursuit of truth, I gave myself perfect joy to the devil who was smiting me, and, giving myself over to complete destruction, as the Lord through the prophet condemns some, I made an alliance with death and a pact of vain security with hell. For without any universal retraction, yielding to the will of the Jews, I appointed them a day on which the wedding chamber would be placed. To which promise of mine was followed by such great exultation from them, and such great gratitude from all towards me, that the common favor of all drew me to their consent |101| more than fear had previously impelled me. On the day of the wedding feast, many not only Jews but also my Christian relatives flocked there, the former indeed, that they might falsely rejoice in my joy, the latter, that they might sympathize with my fatal misfortunes with Christian affection, and implore the relief of piety above. How, they say, wretched Judas, did you so quickly, so easily fall from your good purpose into such an abyss of destruction? How did you so quickly look back, having put your hand to the plow? We always gave you warnings of salvation, to which we hoped that you would one day agree and believe in Christ, the author of our salvation; and behold, contrary to our hope, you chose rather to follow your own desires and, having despaired of salvation, you have given yourself over entirely to destruction. Alas, unhappy one, you have deceived us, and you yourself have been miserably deceived. For would that you were wise and understanding and provided for the last things, so that you might know what punishments await you, and that, if you persist in this superstition, the fires of a blazing hell will await you! Therefore, may the salutary counsel of our charity please you, and while the way to repentance is still open to you, take care of your salvation with all your diligence, lest if you do not wish to do this while you can, you begin to want it too late when you cannot. But if you have embraced the faith of Christ with your whole heart and have been regenerated by his saving washing, you will receive from him full indulgence of your errors and the perfect wholeness that you had begun to seek,you will attain the knowledge of the truth. For although, as he himself says, he casts out no one who comes to him, yet to those who return to him by faith his grace is bestowed more abundantly, to whom alone he professes to have been sent by God the Father to recall them from their error. I am not, he says, sent, except to the sheep that are lost, the house of Israel. Therefore he who first comes to seek you, will certainly make himself easily available to you, if you seek him with right faith and a pure heart. They were busy in vomiting up the adamant hardness of my heart and softening it for the grace of compunction. But I, as if deaf, did not hear their most wholesome admonitions, because I did not have the ears that the Lord required in his gospel, saying: He who has ears to hear, let him hear, namely the ears of the heart, intellectual ears. And because I lacked spiritual hearing, I despised that which I had perceived only with the bodily ear; and what is written was fulfilled by me: The sinner, when he has come to the depth of evils, despises. But soon after I had experienced the corruption of the flesh, my mind was so blinded by the lustful pleasure and the passions coupled with my wife, that, which is usually a sign of extreme despair, I could not even feel the heaviest languor of my soul. For because I could not endure the troubles of temptations as before, since I was one who was weakly overcome by them in every way, considering myself blessed in this false peace of vices, I began to lie there with the utmost pleasure of the flesh, into which I had previously feared to fall. And as the apostle says of married people: He who is with a wife is anxious about the things of this world, how he may please his wife, and being divided, I began to drift away through the various cares of the world, and no longer cared for the things of God, but was pleased to give attention only to those things, whereby I might please the eyes of my spouse.I could not even feel the heaviest languor of my soul. For because I could not endure the troubles of temptations as before, since I was weakly overcome by them in every way, considering myself blessed in this false peace of vices, I began to lie there with the greatest pleasure of the flesh, into which I had before feared to fall. And as the apostle says of married people: He that is with a wife is anxious about the things of this world, how he may please his wife, and is divided, I began to drift away through the various cares of the world, and no longer cared for the things of God, but was only pleased to give my attention to those things, whereby I might please the eyes of my spouse.I could not even feel the heaviest languor of my soul. For because I could not endure the troubles of temptations as before, since I was weakly overcome by them in every way, considering myself blessed in this false peace of vices, I began to lie there with the greatest pleasure of the flesh, into which I had before feared to fall. And as the apostle says of married people: He that is with a wife is anxious about the things of this world, how he may please his wife, and is divided, I began to drift away through the various cares of the world, and no longer cared for the things of God, but was only pleased to give my attention to those things, whereby I might please the eyes of my spouse.

Chapter XI: How after the obligation of a wife her devotion to the truth is rekindled again

But after three months had passed, from the time I had begun to suffer from this lethargic disease of my soul, by God’s mercy, returning to my heart and, as if awakening from a heavy sleep of former ignorance, I began to consider where I had fallen through negligence and into what a miserable abyss of pleasure I had fallen. And since, as it is written, he who adds knowledge adds pain, I began to be deeply grieved at the thought of this misery of mine, to beat my breast with my fist and to shed tears abundantly between frequent sighs, confessing myself wretched and unhappy, that because of a small pleasure of the flesh I had plunged myself into such an abyss of perdition. Therefore, having received from the grace of this compunction a little confidence in the abundant piety of God, I began to cut off superfluous worldly cares from my mind, to restrain the lusts of the flesh with continence, and just as I had presented my members as weapons of iniquity to sin, so in all things I strove to present them as weapons of righteousness to God. But still retaining my former doubt about the faith of the Jews and Christians, which was contrary to them, and knowing that without faith it was impossible to please God, and that everything that is not from faith is sin, I began to try again, if somehow, by God’s grace, I could drive away the darkness of this ambiguity from my heart and truly find the light of faith. Therefore, as before, diligently seeking the most learned doctors of the church, I demand from them the reason for my faith and religion. Which they most copiously gave me from the many testimonies of the Scriptures and various figures of the Old Testament, while I wanted to anticipate faith with the intellect in the order of precedence, I was in no way able to reach the intellect itself, which is compared to the merit of faith, according to the voice of the prophet who said: Unless you believe, you will not understand. But one day it happened that I entered into a conflict with a certain well-known master of disputation. And when, in a long and drawn-out discourse, none of those things which were probably spoken by him could be extorted from me, one of the clerics sitting there, perceiving the obstinate hardness of my heart, said: Why, said he, O master, why do you strive in vain? Why do you cast words into the wind? Why do you send seeds of sand? You know indeed, as the apostle testifies, that even to this day, when Moses is read to the Jews, a veil is placed over their hearts. Hearing this and understanding from where the occasion of this word would be treated, as if well trained in the Old Testament, I was greatly frightened, considering that perhaps, just as the children of Israel were once able to look upon the face of Moses glorified on the mountain only through the medium of a veil, so I could not possibly, as if by intervening the shadows of certain carnal figures, reach the mystical understanding of the Mosaic law with a clear eye of mind. And so I began to sweat anxiously again, not knowing what to do, how to remove this veil from my heart, so that with the eye of my mind revealed I might be able to behold the clear light of truth. Therefore, with a contrite and humbled heart, I take refuge in the Father of lights, and I prostrate myself in the sight of his goodness with tearful prayers, crying out with the Psalmist: Open my eyes, and I will behold wondrous things from your law. Give me understanding,and I will search out your law, and keep it with my whole heart. And because I had recognized the great power of the holy cross among Christians, I frequently sealed my heart with the sign of that cross, hoping that it would be a most effective aid in removing from me this veil of perfidy. But what would that most cruel and cunning enemy do when he saw me, whom he still held captive under the control of his tyranny by the snares of infidelity, armed against himself with such a siege? Or when would he allow his own slave, whom he held by just laws, to depart from him freely, when he does not cease to persecute and impious and unlawful cruelty even the servants of his Lord, all faithful ones,? Therefore, in order that he might more easily seduce the less cautious, he transformed himself into an angel of light, while he sought to attack me not with open face, but with subtle deceit. For he began to bring to my memory the commandments of the law, among which was this commandment which the Jews were commanded not to imitate in any way the rites of the Gentiles, which were utterly unclean and execrable to God, lest those whom God had chosen for himself out of all nations as a peculiar people should seem to share in or resemble those superstitions in any way. Which the most cunning enemy must be believed to have done, in order to divert my intention the more easily from his purpose, by thereby showing me to be a transgressor of the law. For so it was done. For by diabolical instinct I began to be gravely rebuked by my own conscience for this deed, as if I had transgressed the divine law, and to chastise myself with severe penance of tears and fastings in order to obtain this, |106| as I thought, indulgence of enormity. But after this, returning to my senses from this madness and perceiving that this penance was not one of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance and, as before, to fortify myself with the sign of the cross from the bottom of my heart. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by whose price of life I did not yet recognize that I had been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what should I do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. So again tears flowed freely, again heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what shall I do? Whither shall I flee? What hope of salvation can there be for me from the rest, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a day as this should suddenly come upon me at the end of my life, where shall I go? Of course I shall perish. Such was the bitterness of my heart, that even when my tongue was silent, my very countenance showed better the evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who had known that I was of noble birth and that I was powerful both in knowledge of the law and in sufficiency of things, seeing me suddenly so thin and worn out against custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me struck by any inconveniences or troubles.hoping that it would be his most effective aid to remove this veil of perfidy from me. But what would that most cruel and cunning enemy do, when he saw me, whom he still held captive under the rule of his tyranny by the snares of infidelity, armed against himself with such a siege? Or when would he allow his own slave, whom he held by just laws, to depart freely from him, who does not cease to persecute and impious and unlawful cruelty even to the servants of his Lord, that is to say, all the faithful? Therefore, in order that he might more easily seduce the less cautious, he transformed himself into an angel of light, while he sought to attack me, not now with open face, but with subtle deceit. For he began to bring to my remembrance the commandments of the law, among which was this commandment that the Jews should in no way imitate the rites of the Gentiles, which were utterly unclean and detestable to God, lest those whom God had chosen for himself out of all nations as a peculiar people should seem to share in or resemble those superstitions in any way. Which therefore the most cunning enemy must be believed to have done, that he might more easily divert my intention from his purpose, by thereby showing me to be a transgressor of the law. For so it was. For I began, by diabolical instinct, to be gravely rebuked by my own conscience for this deed, as if I were a transgressor of the law, and to chastise myself with severe penance of tears and fastings in order to obtain this, |106| as I thought, indulgence of enormity. But after this, returning to my senses from this madness and perceiving that this penance was not of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance, and to fortify myself with the sign of the cross, as before, from the bottom of my heart. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by whose price of life I knew that I had not yet been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what was I to do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. Therefore, tears flowed freely again, and heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what shall I do? Where shall I flee to? What hope of salvation can there be for me, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a day should suddenly come upon me like a thief in the last days of my life, where shall I go? Of course I shall perish. But such was the bitterness of my heart that even when my tongue was silent, my very countenance showed the better evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who had known that I was of noble birth and that I was powerful both in knowledge of the law and in sufficiency of things, seeing me suddenly so thin, contrary to custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me afflicted with any inconveniences whatsoever.hoping that it would be his most effective aid to remove this veil of perfidy from me. But what would that most cruel and cunning enemy do, when he saw me, whom he still held captive under the rule of his tyranny by the snares of infidelity, armed against himself with such a siege? Or when would he allow his own slave, whom he held by just laws, to depart freely from him, who does not cease to persecute and impious and unlawful cruelty even to the servants of his Lord, that is to say, all the faithful? Therefore, in order that he might more easily seduce the less cautious, he transformed himself into an angel of light, while he sought to attack me, not now with open face, but with subtle deceit. For he began to bring to my remembrance the commandments of the law, among which was this commandment that the Jews should in no way imitate the rites of the Gentiles, which were utterly unclean and detestable to God, lest those whom God had chosen for himself out of all nations as a peculiar people should seem to share in or resemble those superstitions in any way. Which therefore the most cunning enemy must be believed to have done, that he might more easily divert my intention from his purpose, by thereby showing me to be a transgressor of the law. For so it was. For I began, by diabolical instinct, to be gravely rebuked by my own conscience for this deed, as if I were a transgressor of the law, and to chastise myself with severe penance of tears and fastings in order to obtain this, |106| as I thought, indulgence of enormity. But after this, returning to my senses from this madness and perceiving that this penance was not of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance, and to fortify myself with the sign of the cross, as before, from the bottom of my heart. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by whose price of life I knew that I had not yet been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what was I to do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. Therefore, tears flowed freely again, and heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what shall I do? Where shall I flee to? What hope of salvation can there be for me, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a day should suddenly come upon me like a thief in the last days of my life, where shall I go? Of course I shall perish. But such was the bitterness of my heart that even when my tongue was silent, my very countenance showed the better evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who had known that I was of noble birth and that I was powerful both in knowledge of the law and in sufficiency of things, seeing me suddenly so thin, contrary to custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me afflicted with any inconveniences whatsoever.Does he not cease to capture the impious and unlawful by pursuing them with cruelty? Therefore, in order that he might more easily seduce the less cautious, he transformed himself into an angel of light, while he sought to attack me, not now with open face, but with subtle deceit. For he began to bring to my remembrance the commandments of the law, among which was this commandment which the Jews were commanded not to imitate in any way the rites of the Gentiles, which were utterly unclean and execrable to God, lest those whom God had chosen for himself out of all nations as a peculiar people should seem to share in or resemble those superstitions in any way. Which therefore the most cunning enemy must be believed to have done, in order to divert my intention the more easily from his purpose, by which he might thereby show me to be a transgressor of the law. For so it was done. For by diabolical instinct I began to be gravely rebuked by my own conscience for this deed, as if I had transgressed the divine law, and to chastise myself with severe penance of tears and fastings in order to obtain the indulgence of this, |106| as I thought, enormity. But after this, coming to my senses from this madness and perceiving that this penance was not of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance and, as before, to fortify myself with the sign of the cross. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by the price of whose life I did not yet recognize that I had been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what should I do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. So again tears flowed freely, and again heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what should I do? Whither shall I flee? What hope of salvation can there be for me from the rest, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a one were to be suddenly seized by the last day of my life like a thief, whither shall I go? Of course I shall perish. Such was the bitterness of my heart, that even with my tongue silent, my face itself would better show the evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who knew me to be of noble birth and to be powerful both in knowledge of the law and in wealth, seeing me suddenly so thin, contrary to custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me afflicted by any inconveniences whatsoever.Does he not cease to capture the impious and unlawful by pursuing them with cruelty? Therefore, in order that he might more easily seduce the less cautious, he transformed himself into an angel of light, while he sought to attack me, not now with open face, but with subtle deceit. For he began to bring to my remembrance the commandments of the law, among which was this commandment which the Jews were commanded not to imitate in any way the rites of the Gentiles, which were utterly unclean and execrable to God, lest those whom God had chosen for himself out of all nations as a peculiar people should seem to share in or resemble those superstitions in any way. Which therefore the most cunning enemy must be believed to have done, in order to divert my intention the more easily from his purpose, by which he might thereby show me to be a transgressor of the law. For so it was done. For by diabolical instinct I began to be gravely rebuked by my own conscience for this deed, as if I had transgressed the divine law, and to chastise myself with severe penance of tears and fastings in order to obtain the indulgence of this, |106| as I thought, enormity. But after this, coming to my senses from this madness and perceiving that this penance was not of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance and, as before, to fortify myself with the sign of the cross. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by the price of whose life I did not yet recognize that I had been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what should I do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. So again tears flowed freely, and again heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what should I do? Whither shall I flee? What hope of salvation can there be for me from the rest, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a one were to be suddenly seized by the last day of my life like a thief, whither shall I go? Of course I shall perish. Such was the bitterness of my heart, that even with my tongue silent, my face itself would better show the evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who knew me to be of noble birth and to be powerful both in knowledge of the law and in wealth, seeing me suddenly so thin, contrary to custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me afflicted by any inconveniences whatsoever.The indulgence of enormity chastised me with penance of tears and fastings. But after this, returning to my senses from this madness and discovering that this penance was not of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance and, as before, to fortify myself with the sign of the cross. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by the price of whose life I did not yet recognize that I had been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what should I do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. Again, therefore, tears flowed freely, again heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what should I do? Whither shall I flee? What hope of salvation can I have for the rest, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a one were to be seized suddenly like a thief in the last days of my life, whither shall I go? Of course I shall perish. Such was the bitterness of my heart, that even with my tongue silent, my face itself would better show the evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who knew me to be of noble birth and to be powerful both in knowledge of the law and in wealth, seeing me suddenly so thin, contrary to custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me afflicted by any inconveniences whatsoever.The indulgence of enormity chastised me with penance of tears and fastings. But after this, returning to my senses from this madness and discovering that this penance was not of appeasement, but rather of offense, I began again to weep for the error of my ignorance and, as before, to fortify myself with the sign of the cross. But alas! I did not deserve to feel any remedy for it, by the price of whose life I did not yet recognize that I had been redeemed from the curse of the law. And what should I do? All hope of counsel and help had fled from my mind. Again, therefore, tears flowed freely, again heavy groans began to break out from my inmost heart. I said to myself: Alas, wretched man, what should I do? Whither shall I flee? What hope of salvation can I have for the rest, since I am neither a perfect Jew nor a Christian? If such a one were to be seized suddenly like a thief in the last days of my life, whither shall I go? Of course I shall perish. Such was the bitterness of my heart, that even with my tongue silent, my face itself would better show the evidence of its emaciation and squalor. For all who knew me to be of noble birth and to be powerful both in knowledge of the law and in wealth, seeing me suddenly so thin, contrary to custom, were all the more astonished, since they had never seen me afflicted by any inconveniences whatsoever.

Chapter XII: How the prayers of religious women were enlightened

But I, taking refuge with all confidence in God, who alone considers labor and pain, as in a tower of strength, pour out my prayer in his sight and declare the tribulation of my heart before him, beseeching him with tearful prayer, that according to the multitude of my sorrows in my heart his consolations may gladden my soul and that he may deign to extend the right hand of his majesty to lead me out of the darkness and shadow of death, which he saw everywhere failing from his own weakness. Therefore, what I faithfully asked of him, I deserved to obtain effectively. For I prudently began to consider from his inner inspiration that just as a servile person, having lost the grace of his master, is not able to return to it any longer except through the intercession of the same master on his behalf, so neither could I, unless supported by the holy church and the intercessions of Christ, merit grace. As I was thinking about whose prayers I should commend myself to as having the greatest merit with God, the memory of two sisters came to me, who were living a celibate life together in the city of Cologne, near the monastery of blessed Maurice, one of whom was called Bertha, the other Glismut, whose holy conduct had diffused the sweet fragrance of good opinion throughout the whole neighborhood of that city. Hoping that I could be greatly helped by their patronage, I went to them with all haste and, as I was being pressed by the temptations I was under, I opened up to them with many tears, and I supplicated that they would deign to direct their prayers to God for my enlightenment. |108| They, as they were full of all piety and compassion, shedding abundant tears over my great miseries, vowed to pour out their untiring supplications to God for me for so long, until I deserved to receive the desired consolation of grace from above. Oh, how true is that saying of the Apostle James: The constant supplication of a righteous man avails much! For not long after, through their merits and prayers, such a brightness of Christian faith suddenly shone in my heart that the darkness of all former doubt and ignorance fled from it, in a fitting turn, that through the prayers of a woman they might lift the fall of a woman. O you therefore, devout and holy women, whoever you may read or hear read of these things, accept in these blessed women an excellent example of prayer to imitate, knowing that the more quiet your prayers are, the more sincere they are, and the more efficacious they are in the sight of God in obtaining any things. For behold, I, whom neither the argument given to me about it by many nor the disputation of great clerics could convert to the faith of Christ, was attracted by the devout prayer of simple women.

Chapter XIII: How he progressed in faith

Having found, therefore, by the grace of God, one precious pearl of the Catholic faith, I began, following the example of that evangelical merchant, to despise all temporal things in love for it, so that I might merit to be enriched by its most delightful and healthful possession. Therefore, as far as I could, I removed myself from all cares, so much so that, like all others, I could scarcely eat food at home, |109| to frequent the churches of the saints with great devotion, and by listening to the word of God I began to delight in accommodating the hearing of both the heart and the body. Moreover, I did this secretly, because I feared the persecution of the Jews, as if I were still weak and tender in faith, like that Nicodemus who came to Jesus by night. Therefore, hearing the Lord thundering terribly in his gospel with Nicodemus, I began to desire this washing of regeneration all the more ardently, since without its remedy it was certain that I could not enter the heavenly kingdom, according to this word of the Lord.

Chapter XIV: How he withdrew his brother from Judaism, and how the Jews conspired against him

Knowing that the Lord had commanded the children of Israel, who were about to leave Egypt, not to go out empty, but to plunder Egypt as they left, I too, having been taught by such an example, namely the darkness of Jewish unbelief, did not wish to go out empty from Egypt, but to take away from there some booty, not of gold and silver or any precious garment, but of rational booty, which would not only adorn the temple of the supreme king, but would also deserve to be, according to that of the apostle Paul: The temple of God is holy, which you are. For I had a brother of seven years of age in Mainz, by his father, not by his mother, whom with an ardent desire I desired to become a co-heirs with me by divine grace through the bath of regeneration, so that, having been born carnally, we might have one mother together, the church, by being reborn spiritually. But my fellow Jews, seeing that I never attended the Synagogue according to custom, whose communion I had previously so much feared to lose, as can be recognized in the preceding verses, perceived that the occasion for this so unexpected change was not a slight one. Having laid ambushes for me, they began to investigate my ways and all my actions with more curiosity. When they found that I was doing almost nothing else every day than devoting myself to ecclesiastical disciplines, they all became so enraged with jealousy against me that, if any opportunity of committing a crime had occurred to them, they would not have feared to stone me with their own hands. But, driven to the depths of their treachery and malignity by the crime of parricide, which they could not commit by themselves, they endeavored to implicate others in order to increase their condemnation, and, not wanting to have the effect of the crime, they rushed the guilt of their will upon themselves alone. When they discovered that I was planning to go to Mainz, they came together, devising, as is written, plans against me, which they could not establish. For they sent letters written in Hebrew by a certain Wolkwin, chaplain to the Queen Rikenze, to the Jews of Mainz without my knowledge, the gist of which was, namely, that they should apprehend me as a treacherous and apostate and, according to the rigor of legal censure, fine me a penalty befitting. But as the apostle says: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Therefore, He who scatters the counsels of the nations and rejects the counsels of princes, by His own will scattering their counsel, not only powerfully freed me from their snare, but also mercifully enabled me to fulfill the pious desire I had conceived to win my brother.

Chapter XV: How wonderfully he discovered the letters written against him by the Jews

For by the providence of God I happened to be the companion of that same cleric on his journey to Mainz on account of his embassy. And while we were talking about various matters as we went, neither of us knowing what business the other had, he began to name some of my relatives who were living in Mainz, unaware that they were my relatives, saying that he was carrying a certain secret message to them. Hearing this, although I was still completely unaware of the Jews‘ plots against me, I nevertheless began to suspect the same thing in his embassy, ​​namely that the Jews were plotting great evil against me through it. Therefore, addressing the cleric about this, with the greatest disdain for the Jews in his soul, I told him to carry the letters. He, as he had been asked to conceal the matter, denied that he was carrying any letters. But I, not giving any credence to his denial, constantly affirmed that the matter was as I had said, adding that a heavy burden of divine vengeance threatened him if, against my advice, he had presumptuously presented the letters he had received to the Jews of Mainz, because there lay hidden in them a great evil. So with many entreaties and threatening importunities I could scarcely extort from him a confession of the truth. [112] Having confessed to me, therefore, that everything was as I had said, he asked me to explain to him the matter of the letters themselves. Then, which is indeed wonderful to say, but nevertheless, as God is witness, it is most true, I explained to him the meaning and the gist of them from the mere conjecture of my heart, as if I had either read them or recognized them through some informant. Which was certainly not done by chance, but by the instinct and providence of God, who was disposed to rescue me from the most malignant expectation of the Jewish people and to bring the holy business that I was undertaking to a glorious result. Taking these also as delivered to me by him, I explain them, read them through, and find the Jews‘ most malicious accusation against me written in them in the way I had guessed, and giving thanks to God with the greatest joy for my deliverance, I burn the very pestilential tips with fire.

Chapter XVI: That coming to Worms, he confidently preached Christ in the Synagogue of the Jews

Then, therefore, the psalmist, with indescribable joy, sang: Our soul is snatched as a sparrow from the snare of the fowlers, the snare is broken and we are delivered, so strongly did I begin to burn in the love of the Catholic faith and religion, that, casting away all fear of my pusillanimity through charity, I dared not only to believe that Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God for righteousness and to confess with my mouth for salvation, but also to preach it constantly and freely to his enemies, the Jews. For coming to Worms, where I had a brother named Samuel, I entered the Synagogue of the Jews on the day on which they were wont to meet there, and I heard them reading the superstitious commentaries on the Old Testament of their own Gamaliel. And soon, inflamed by divine fervor and with great confidence and grace of speech, I entered into a prophetic discussion with them, to which faith I belonged, and how much I had gained from the many discussions of Christians with me about the orthodox faith, and there I opportunely demonstrated, while, against the foolish and old fables which the same Gamaliel had concocted for them from the Scriptures, I belched out to them the honeyed sweetness of spiritual allegories, and I stopped their mouths, which, by blaspheming Christ and derogating from His holy church, presume with blind pride and haughty blindness to place Him in heaven, with many and powerful authorities of divine oracles. How great, then, do you think, must have seized the Jews who were present, when they saw me the most valiant defender of their ancestral traditions, of which they had hoped that I, as a Jew among Jews, would be the most faithful defender? Taking up a singular contest of disputation against the arch-Synagogue also by the name of David and my aforesaid brother, I long turned the sacred pages of the law and the prophets against them, by the most sufficient testimonies of which I defended and approved the Christian faith, and shut out all access to them of calumny against Christ and his holy Church. Seeing that I favored the Christians with such stubborn zeal, they began to call me a half-Christian, reproaching me with such a name as if I had been badly outwitted by their cunning persuasions. Finally, however, when they asked me whether my mind and tongue were in agreement in all that I had put forward against them in defense of the Christian faith, I feared that if I confessed the bare truth to them, I would be somewhat hindered by their plots to rescue my brother, so I tempered my answer, so as not to deny or openly declare that I was a Christian: “Since,” he said, “having frequently disputed with Christians, I have come to know for the most part their subtle arguments against the Jews, I therefore wished to transform their person in myself, so that you, having been instructed by such a prelude to my assertions, may be found more circumspect than they in the hour of necessity.” Which answer they gratefully accepted.

Chapter XVII: How, arriving at Mainz, he secretly led away his brother

After this, coming to Mainz, I secretly wanted to take the child stolen from his mother out of the city, out of fear of the Jews, where I had ordered a servant with a horse to wait for us in a certain place. But the most atrocious enemy of human safety, knowing that this theft was not his own, but a divine instinct, and that it pertained not to his own, but to God’s, destiny, tried to prevent it from me by his malignant art of deceit. For since the passage of that city was very well known to me, so – which is wonderful to say – my eyes were blinded by a diabolical illusion that, wandering through all the streets of that city from the first hour of the day until the sixth, I could not find its exit. |115| When the child was tired and crying from exhaustion, I took pity on him and placed him on my shoulders to be carried; which many Christians, seeing, laughed at me as if I were a fool. Therefore, in great confusion of countenance and incredible anguish of heart, which was the only refuge open to me, I supplicatedly implore divine help and secretly imprinted the seal of the holy cross on my forehead. A wonderful thing! The gate of the city, which I had turned and turned so often, I could not at first find, but soon when I armed myself with the sign of the cross, the diabolical illusion that had blinded me was broken, and seeing the joy, I recognized and went out, I found my servant with the horses waiting where I had ordered. Therefore, when we had advanced a little from the city, the Jews of Cologne, who had come upon us by ship, and who had perceived that I was hostile to their profession, spread to the Jews of that city, namely, how I had hidden the books of Cologne with money among the Christians, because I had stubbornly decided to emigrate to their sect. Hearing which, the mother of the boy, greatly disturbed and terrified, made me search very diligently from all sides. But finding none, she ran to the chiefs of the city with a most bitter cry, proclaiming with a mournful voice that her son had been stolen away from her. They immediately sent messengers to arrest me. But just as they could not resist God’s order, so they were unable to arrest me, who was serving that order. Therefore, I, having taken the boy as a fugitive, set out on my journey and arrived at the cloister, which is called Welanheim, in the evening. The brothers, knowing the desire of my pious heart, received me with great joy and love. While we were still eating, behold, a messenger appointed to investigate us stood before the gate and asked the porter if a Jew had entered by that gate. He, being a simple man, suspected no treachery in the messenger, and told him the simple truth. Therefore, lest those brothers should suffer any trouble on my account, I entrusted the boy to them, that he might be instructed in the sacred letters by them, and secretly fled from there to the cloister, which is called Revengresburg. Where, with great joy from the brothers, I was detained and catechized on the third of November.

Chapter XVIII: Of the vision which he saw before baptism

But about three weeks after I had been made a catechumen, on the Wednesday before the Sunday on which I was to be baptized, I saw a dream that was both beautiful in sight and in its narration. I saw heaven open towards the east, the imaginary structure of which, as it appeared to me through vision, was adorned throughout with the purest gold. There I saw the Lord Jesus seated on a throne, in the most powerful and honorable manner, with the triumphant sign of His cross on His right shoulder instead of a scepter. |117| I was present, as it seemed to me, with His most excellent friends, and I was indescribably delighted by the ineffable sweetness of His contemplation, when behold, two of my uncle’s sons, one of whom was called Nathan, the other Isaac, passed behind me at a leisurely pace, so that from their very passage it would be clear to those who observed them that that blessedness was shown to them not for consolation but for punishment, so that they were tormented inwardly in their minds because they did not deserve to enjoy the glory of the saints which they saw. To whom I turned and addressed them thus: O miserable and unhappy ones, does not that which you see on the shoulder of Christ, the sign of the cross, now bring to your mind that prophecy of Isaiah: Whose government is upon his shoulder? You once despised to believe this prophecy of Christ through my exhortation, which you behold fulfilled to your perpetual confusion. But they, surrounded by great fear, scarcely answered me in a few humble and suppressed voices, saying: True indeed, O nephew, but alas, too late have the things which you mention been proved to us, since having lost the saving space of repentance without hope of obtaining salvation, we are eternally destined for hell. Scarcely had they finished the word when they were immediately taken from the midst, the scripture being fulfilled in them, which says: Let the wicked be taken away, that he may not see the glory of God. Awakened, therefore, and remembering how much prayer, tears, and frequent fasting I had sometimes labored to obtain such a hidden vision for my enlightenment, I began to overflow with spiritual joy in what I had seen, and to render my due thanks to God for such a sweet vision, by which I had merited to be strengthened in his faith.

Chapter XIX: How he was baptized, and what deceptions of the devil he endured in that baptism

Then came the Lord’s day, on which I was to put off the old man with his deeds and put on the new through the washing of regeneration. Therefore the entire clergy of the city of Cologne assembled with festive exultation in the basilica of the blessed Peter, Prince of the Apostles, where a fountain had been prepared for the celebration of the salutary mystery. Which, having been consecrated about the third hour and fertilised with the souls to be regenerated by the invocation of the Holy Spirit, having confessed the faith of the Holy Trinity with all my heart, I entered into it with great devotion and contrition of heart. But alas, what is hard to say, not even at the very moment of baptism did the enemy’s deceit cease from attacking me. For just as, as the evangelist testifies, the child of the Lord, being delivered by mercy from the devil, was then more severely beaten when the wicked spirit was forced to come out of him, so surely the ancient enemy made more serious attacks against me when he saw me snatched from his tyranny through the saving sacrament of divine institution. For although I had been sufficiently instructed in other things pertaining to the Orthodox faith for my capacity, I had not been taught only about the triple immersion of baptism in the name of the Holy Trinity, due to the negligence of the ministers, or rather, due to the deceit of the enemy who was plotting against me. Therefore, having entered the flowing life-giving fountain and immersed myself in it once facing east, I believed that this immersion alone was sufficient for the renewal of my ancient antiquity. But the clergymen surrounding the baptistery often shouted that I should be immersed. But I, who had just emerged from the fountain, could not hear their voices discreetly or see clearly the nods they were making to me, as the water was flowing from here to there on my hairy head. Therefore, having wiped the water from my face with my hands, I heard what they wanted, but being constrained by the great cold of the fountain, I did not at first willingly obey their will. However, being gently persuaded by my baptist, I did what had to be done for my salvation. Thinking therefore that I had satisfied myself with this second dipping in the divine mysteries, I began to want to leave the fountain. For I had almost completely surrendered to his excessive care. But the clergy again shouted with loud voices that I should humbly submit to the healing waters flowing southward for the completion of the sacrament. Therefore, I suspected that I was being deceived by a diabolical trick and was mocked by them. Wherefore, just as that ancient Naaman the Syrian, having received the command from the prophet Elisha to wash seven times in the Jordan, began to depart in indignation, so I, too, inflamed with great madness and impatient with the general manner, wanted to leap out of the baptistery. But thanks be to God that although he had set himself up as an enemy, he did not prevail against me. For just as that same Naaman, bent on the admonition of his companions, obeyed the advice of the healing prophet |120|, so the gentle exhortation of the religious and clerics who were present, driving away from my mind the contagion of evil suspicion, strengthened my pusillanimity in faith. Therefore, so that it may be lawful to compare new things with old, Naaman, having washed seven times in the flowing Jordan, was visibly cured of the leprosy of the flesh,I was invisibly cleansed from the leprosy of the soul in baptism by the sevenfold grace of the Holy Spirit. His flesh, washed clean from the filth of the elephant, received the purity of an infant; I, stripped of the skin of old age by the bath of regeneration, was given birth to a new infancy by the virgin mother the Church. In which bath, as in my former life, I changed the order and the proper name, and I, who was previously called Judas, received the name Hermannus. Therefore, this glorious change at the right hand of the Most High, this bringing back of a lost sheep on the shoulder of a pious shepherd to the fold of the holy church, was celebrated with how many proclamations of praise, and with how many joys in common, not only by the clergy but also by the entire faithful people. And not without reason. For how could the Christian people rejoice over the repentance of a converted sinner, when, as the Lord is witness, more than ninety-nine righteous angels rejoice together? But the Jews, who had indeed a zeal for the law, but not according to knowledge, mourned me inconsolably with the most bitter grief, as if I were a treacherous and lost one.

Chapter XX: How after baptism he renounced the world and gave himself up to obedience under divine canonical order

Therefore, having cast out the unclean spirit from the house of my heart by the washing of regeneration, I feared and greatly dreaded, lest, if, on returning, I should find the same house, though cleansed by the washing of salvation and adorned with the sacraments of Christ, yet empty of the exercise of spiritual discipline, he should enter it with a sevenfold plague more grievous than before, and thus my last things should be worse than the first, I labored with the utmost care to effect this, so that, having stopped the evil invader, a dwelling place worthy of the kind Christ might be made. Therefore, hearing the Gospel precept: If you wish to be perfect, go, sell all that you have, and give to the poor, and come, follow me; and that: Unless anyone renounces all that he possesses, he cannot be my disciple, I cheerfully began to despise all that I seemed to have temporally, with the hope and desire of eternal things, so that, freed from the laborious burden of the world, I might be able to walk with swift and free foot along the narrow path that leads to life. Learning also from the psalmist that it is good and pleasant for brothers to dwell together in unity, I escaped to the famous and religious place of Cape Town, which I mentioned above, as to a certain haven of safety from the shipwreck of this world, naked with a naked enemy, and there, in order to prepare for the end of my present life and for the future mission, I changed my life and habit according to the rule of blessed Augustine. I also made constant effort to learn the Latin language, and with God’s help I progressed so much within five years that the charity of the brothers judged me fit to take holy orders and kindly attracted me, although I humbly, as was just, felt that I was unworthy and less suitable for this, protested and resisted as modestly as I dared and was becoming. But God, who always gives grace to the humble, seeing that I had chosen the last place among his guests, deigned to say to me: Friend, ascend higher. Rejoicing in his calling, not in pride but with trembling, as is written, I gradually ascended to the canonical orders, until I reached the dignity of priestly excellence. Then, therefore, I understood what the dream I had first seen before my conversion, inserted in the first page of this little work, foreshadowed for me, the interpretation of which, as I promised above, I will explain.

Chapter XXI: That he then understood the dream he first saw in his childhood about the future grace of Christ in him, and how he interpreted it

The interpretation of the vision is therefore this: The earthly emperor who appeared to me signifies the heavenly king, of whom the psalmist says: The Lord of hosts himself is the king of glory. He had a certain great prince, namely that angel, whom at the beginning of his creation he made nobler than all the angelic spirits and made presiding over all the other orders of angels. Who indeed then truly died, when, proudly raising himself against God, he was stripped of the glory of his dignity and was made a devil from an archangel. Therefore, the King of kings, deigning to visit me by his grace, offered me a snow-white horse, while granting me the grace of holy baptism, by which I would be whitened on snow. He also gave me a belt, because he bestowed on me the power to restrain the fleeting desires of the flesh. In the seven heavy coins of denarius the gifts of the sevenfold spirit are rightly understood, which whoever has fulfilled them adorn with the gravity of their morals. Who, when through the gifts of this holy Spirit has already begun to shine with purity like tested silver, begins to ring sweetly to others also about the love of God and eternal life, which is well signified by the sonority of the silver. But the fact that these seven denarii were enclosed in a purse, lest they should be easily lost, I hope signifies that the charisms of the Holy Spirit, mercifully bestowed upon me, would not abandon me, but would remain with me to the end, to overcome all the troubles of temptations and to merit the heavenly kingdom. Moreover, the princes were indignant at this very fortunate success of mine, because the evil spirits, whom the apostle calls the rulers of the world, or the Jews, who, because of the law received from God, were usurping the principality among other nations, envied me that I had earned the grace of Christ, of which they were unworthy. But I, girded with that bright belt, that is, with the strength of continence, mounted the royal horse, because the grace of baptism was not in vain in me, but, as the use of the horse indicates, I have always labored to cultivate it with the help of God by spiritual exercise and to bend it to good use. I also followed Christ the King, despising the world and the things in the world, and not only all that was mine, but also denying myself for his love, doing what he testifies of himself: I have not come, he says, to do my own will, but the will of the Father who sent me. And I accompanied the king well, sitting on a white horse, because no one will be fit to follow in the footsteps of Christ unless he has obtained that grace of baptism which we foretold is symbolized by the white horse. But the palace into which I followed him I believe to designate the place of my conversion. In which, of course, the monasteries of clerics or any religious living regularly throughout the world, what else but a certain palace of the supreme king are insinuated? For in these, because of the chastity of life and religious conduct, Christ is believed to dwell in a domestic way and familiarly like a king in his palace by grace. But then I approached the king’s table to dine, when, although unworthy, I received the sacred mystery of the altar. But to sit at the table is to approach humbly the altar of Christ.But what kind of feast is there in this heavenly month, what sweet delights, cannot be worthily explained in words, but only those who have deserved to experience it through the grace of God know this. What kind of feast, I say, is there for a faithful soul, to approach the reverent table of the altar with complete faith, with true humility and contrition of heart, with sincere devotion of mind, and to be nourished therein with the flesh of the immaculate lamb of Jesus Christ and to be intoxicated with the chalice of his holy blood, no one, as I have said, except those who have experienced it understands. Furthermore, the vegetable, which I saw myself eating at the royal table, I believe to designate the gospel of Christ. For just as the same vegetable was made up of various kinds of herbs, so the gospel of Christ consists of various precepts pertaining to eternal life. Therefore, to eat vegetables at the royal banquet is to consider skillfully and subtly the precepts of the holy gospel as if in the mouth of the heart, considering, namely, how humble, how devoted, how pure in chastity, how fervent in charity he should be, who desires to celebrate the mystery of so great a sacrament in a fitting and acceptable way to God. Christ the King also feasts with us, because he feeds on the sweetness of our spiritual progress. Indeed, he himself testifies in the Apocalypse that a sweet repast exists for him in a pious heart and one enslaved to divine services: Behold, he says, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone opens the door to me, I will come in to him and sup with him, and I will sup with him. But I do not think that this is due to the fact that I was seen to eat from the same plate with the king. Therefore, one plate is a sign of the unity of the Catholic faith. Therefore, from one plate, vegetables are eaten with Christ, whoever, with his cooperating grace, keeps the precepts of the holy gospel in the unity of the Catholic faith. In which unity, then, as was once shown me in a most fortunate vision, I serve Him, as it is written, with fear and exult with trembling, standing by the grace of God. I exult, I say, with trembling, because I owe it to His grace, in which I am already faithful, that I may rejoice, and from His still most profound and unsearchable abyss of judgments, by which I know not whether I am worthy of love or hatred, there remains for me a place to fear. For who among mortals, however just, however holy, does not fear that terrible sentence of our Savior, which says: Many are called, but few are chosen. But I trust in the Lord Jesus, that He who began a good work in me will complete it to the end. For the greatness of the benefits that have come before me promises me the greatest hope. For behold, the merciful and compassionate Lord raised me from the dunghill of the poor, and placed me with the princes of his people, when, having been mercifully rescued from the most sordid Jewish superstition and most wicked sect, he deigned not only to associate me with his faithful through the unity of the Catholic faith, but also, through the grace of priestly dignity, to join me to his glorious feasts in his month. Who, O Lord, would weigh this upon me, unworthy of your compassion,Who can worthily estimate such immense riches of your goodness? I hope, Lord, and, trusting in such great kindness, I believe that your mercy will follow me all the days of my life, |127| for which you have already deigned to predestinate me with such great pledges of grace, for which, as is fitting, I do not cease to offer praises and sacrifices of jubilation to you, my most pious illuminator. But you also, whoever reads or hears these things, rejoice with me and be glad, because I was dead and am alive again, I was lost and am found. Therefore magnify the Lord with me, who lives and reigns forever and ever. Amen.

Source. Vicifons – Herman of Cologne, Opusculum de conversione sua. Patrologia Latina (PL) Volume 170, columns 805–836, edited by Jacques-Paul Migne, 1854–1855.